License

I get my license back the end of this month. Wootness. Also my insurance didn’t go up.  Which happens to be quite amazing. I guess things do get better from time to time.

Another thought filled night

There’s a new guy in my life. We’ve been talking for a few weeks. I’m starting to like him and I’m honestly quite petrified of that. He lives kinda far away and I just have so many questions. Like, can I trust you? Would you ever cheat on me? Do you honestly like me? Can I believe you? Would you ever move closer? How will we see each other? How much will we see each other? There is just so much going through my mind about all of this. I’m just terrified to like someone again let alone love them. I don’t know what to expect. I just would like some answers.

Fucked Up Night

You would not believe the night I had.  My friend Mara and Mattie came with me at like 1am went to crybaby cemetery.  We made it to the first grave, then we heard something so we freaked out and ran back to the car.  We had to go turn around and come back so we went slow and we saw this woman up in the graves.  She was bending down at one of the tombstones.  It was so freaky.  The headlights like reflected off her eyes.  And then the next turn, it was a slight bend,  I was going like 30mph and I didn’t even hit the brakes and the ass end of the car just suddenly whips around and we start fish tailing back and forth.  We slid half off the road and almost rolled the car.  It was incredibly fucked up.  The only time I hit the brakes was after we started sliding.  Just to prove a point, around the next turn with just as much gravel on it, I hit the brakes and we barely slid at all.  And I was going faster that time.  There’s no possible way I could have whipped the car around that much.  It was as if something pushed the car.  This night was just so fucked.  You have no idea.

Schooling.

It seems like I constantly find an excuse not to do any work.  I’m so motivated and yet I’m not.  I want to reach the goal without doing the work.  It just sucks.  A lot is going on right now and I just need to weed a few things out and I should be good to go.  Then assuming the internet keeps working.  I hate when it goes out.  On another note, life is ridiculous.  Take for example.  Jerry, we hung out last friday.  Then he acted like he didn’t even want to talk to me afterwards.  I don’t get it.  Why say you care and still love me and that you didn’t cheat on me if you plan on avoiding me and ignoring me?  I don’t get boys. I really don’t.

You have no idea.

I feel so many things right now it’s ridiculous.  I hung out with Jerry. Yes, the jerry from back in the day.  Like a year ago.  Well it was all innocent and such at first and then things got serious and we started talking.  He denied to my face that he ever cheated on me.  I believe him.  I don’t think anyone could look in to someone’s crying eyes and lie to them.  Especially when they tell you they still love you afterwards.  They always have and always will.  I totally didn’t expect to hear that.  I’m kinda just in shock.  It’s what I’ve wanted to hear all along.  He wants to hang out and be friends again and see where it goes.  Not rush in to any thing this time.  I don’t blame him and I think it’s a good idea.  If things actually go well then that might mean my life is going well again.  I like it when it’s like this. Who wouldn’t though.  I guess we’ll see what happens.

It’s always brightest at night.

Yesterday was pretty much a shitty day.  I just laid around and did nothing for the most part.  I ended up sleeping most of the day.  I’m not sure why, I was just very tired.  I ended up texting Jerry later that night to see if he was free for once and wanted to hang.  Of course he wasn’t, he was leaving for a 72 hour shift.  I figured this would happen.  I was surprised when he called me to find out where I live and come stop in and chat for about 20 minutes before he left for work.  It was nice to see him again.  We just talked and hugged like 3 times or so.  It turns out he literally lives right down the road from me now.  Like a 2 minute drive.  I could easily walk to his house.  There really isn’t any excuse for us not hanging out now, at least when distance is involved. I hope things get better and we start hanging out more.  I could use another Knox friend.

It didn’t kill me, so now I’m stronger.

Everything is mostly clarified now.  We aren’t going to date.  It just won’t work for a list of reasons.  It hurts but I have to respect that this is just how it is.  I’m trying to take a different perspective on things.  Many sudden things have been happening in the both of our lives.  I think maybe we were never meant to date. We were thrown together to help each other get through this difficult period and start a lifetime bond.  Start this connection that many people only dream of having with someone else.  I’m trying to keep my mind set like that, but I know I probably will think other things here and there.  I know I’m going to be just fine, and that things will be okay.  It’s just getting through it now.  I’m the strongest person I know, and I am my own hero.  If I can’t make this work, continue being with Nathan like we are now and such.  No one can.  I’m strong, I can do this.  I think therefore I am.

Making it Work.

You say you care but yet you don’t even want to try and make it work.  You say you don’t want a boyfriend in college.  Why not?  Distraction.  Focus on Work.  I get that. Trust me I understand that.  But if you truly care about me, then why not try?  I won’t interfere with your work.  I’m totally okay with only seeing you on the weekends, or every other weekend.  And when I get my license back I can easily come see you anytime you want.  Is it because you want to be single and be able to have sex with anyone in college?  If that’s the case then how can you even say you truly care about me.  You obviously don’t. You also argue that you’ll be moving even further away next year for college.  News flash, if we’ve been together for that long already, I’m completely certain we can make it work. I’m more then willing to drive across the country to make something work as long as I know the person cares about me and is completely faithful.  This is the first time I’ve had someone tell me they care about me, and yet not even want to try and make it work. I don’t get this at all.  You say it won’t work.  Tell that to my  heart.

Last Day in Destin

Today is the last full day we are here.  We check out tomorrow at 10am.  We should arrive home on sunday sometime.  Well maybe sooner, but I’m just going off of how long it took to get down here.  I’m excited to come back home.  I miss all my friends, and they miss me.  Sadly I won’t have my license when I get back.  I’ll be mailing those off today so they get to Penndot in time. Fun.  No not really. I have a feeling a lot is going to happen over the next few months.  I’m not sure what exactly, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.  I’m taking life one day at a time. It’s much better this way.  I never got to go parasailing.  Blah. Oh well, unless we go today or something.  All I know is that I want to go home.  I miss it for once.

18th Floor Balcony

I’m actually only on the 8th floor balcony, but it’s close enough.  I’ve been thinking a lot over the past hours and I feel the need to write about it already.  The boy, oh you know who I’m talking about. And if the boy is reading this, he knows who he is. He’s the subject of my most recent blogs.  We talked, we’re going to stay close.  This makes me feel so much better.  You have no idea.  I know it’s not going to go anywhere, but I still want to be his friend.  Someone he can confide in.  It’s just not meant to work, at least not yet.  Who knows, maybe we’re meant for each other.  Just not yet. Not right now.  If he is the one, I’m willing to wait.  I don’t think he’ll ever know how much of an impact he’s had on my life already.  We started talking about a year ago off and on.  Then in a week he walked back in my life unexpectly and made an everlasting impression.  I can’t thank him enough for all he’s done already.  I’ll never be able to say no one cares about me, because that’s just not true.  He does. And for once, I honestly know that. I believe it.  I really doubt he’ll ever understand just how much he’s done for me already.  Or how much I care about him already. I hope this never ends though.  I want to stay close with him.  I think at the very least we’re solidifying a very strong bond and friendship.  It came out of no where but I like it.  A lot.  That’s all I had on my mind for now.  Until next time.