College??

Today was the first say of college! Six months ago I would have never even guessed that I would be in college at this point in my life. I always wanted to wait a year and decide exactly what I wanted to do and just take a break from the schooling life.  This is all surreal to me and I often wonder if I’m just going to wake up and it will all have been a dream.  The thought scares me because I’m loving how things are going thus far.  My first class was college writing. This has to have been the class that scared me the most.  It doesn’t really seem like a lot of work, it’s just that I suck at writing. Simply put. To make matters worse, I already have homework in that class.  My computer info processes class seems like a piece of cake.  I’m not worried about that class in the slightest. I still have a law environment class and an applications of microapplications class I believe. The law class will definitely be hard. Though it’s something I’m quite fond of and interests me to no end. My only other class is tomorrow and that’s macroeconomics. I honestly don’t know what to expect in that class. I still need to get my third book for that class because it has yet to come in. I’m sitting in the midst of a very popular hang out area on campus and it feels awkward to be the only one on a mac.  I feel like the stuck up rich kid that no one wants to approach out of fear that I’ll shoot fire out of my eyes at them.  They couldn’t be more wrong. I’m not rich at all. Yes I do have nice things but there are reasons behind them.  I’m still quite nervous for class and just college in general but I’m starting to feel better about everything.  It will all work out in the end. At least I hope so.

Another Reflection

It looks like I’ll be going back to my old way of blogging. Completely random.  I’ve been up all night and it’s now 4:30 in them morning. I read the most awkward and weird love story and it’s having this weird effect on my mood. Basically in the story these two straight guys are put together for a photo shoot like you would see in an abercrombie and fitch store. Only this company wants to push it further and the one model, nick, kisses the other, pete, and it causes a weird flurry of emotions in pete. Pete then went to volunteer for some humanitarian work in some random country and ended up on the same trip as Nick by total accident. Pete denies any feelings he has for Nick and basically is an ass to him.  When they get back their photoshoot was picked to be in all of the clothing stores this company owned. They were at the mall at one of the stores to watch the unveiling and basically they were mobbed by photographers and such. Nick rushes them out of there and in to a little food place where they have this heart to heart where pete confesses how the kiss impacted him. They rush off and nick takes him to this special place where you can see all of the stars in the sky and fireflies are all around you. They kiss and this starts their sort of weird relationship. They then go on a date and do a bunch of stuff in the backseat of pete’s mom’s car. Yeah you get my drift. Then Pete finds out on the news that Nick was involved in a similar incident a few years earlier and was arrested for it when the police showed up. They have this huge falling out and nick almost kills himself. They get back together and go to college together and get to room together. Everything is swell until nick starts talking about women and how he still needs to have sex with them even though he loves pete. This upset Pete because he didn’t understand why he isn’t enough. This all happens while they both continually deny they are gay. So nick goes off and fucks some chick and comes back to their bed smelling of her. Later on Pete saves this gay kid who was getting beat up. A lot happens, Pete messes around with him basically to get back at Nick.  Another small falling out and then they both agree on this weird ass relationship where Nick can go fuck chicks and Pete can go be with other guys if he wants but they agreement is that they always come back to their bed and that they love each other.  It’s by far the weirdest story I’ve ever read but it somehow hit home with me.  When Pete was describing how he felt after Nick told him he needed to be with other women too, It hit me. The same feeling I get when it’s not working out with a guy. When I feel not good enough. It put me in to this funk of a mood as it usually does when I feel that way. I hate when I don’t feel good enough or that I’m somehow made to believe that I’m asking too much when I know deep down that isn’t true. I felt the pain Pete was feeling when he found out his lover didn’t want just him. I know that feeling all too well.  I’m not sure why I’m writing so much about this but it just seemed to have really set something off in me and upset me a little.  I can only hope I can find a guy like Nick, minus the tendency for him to want women too. In the story they loved each other very much and it was very apparent. I want that one day. I’ll have it someday. Someday soon I hope.

Memories of the Past

I was going through my old messages on Facebook today. I just wanted to clean out all of the old ones that I really don’t need anymore. I stumbled upon a message I received from my latest ex Cory.  He is definitely up there in the amount of drama he created in my life. Anways, I was reading through the message and I could hardly believe it was from him.  This message was sent to me after the first few times we hung out.  He was so sweet and caring.  He kept saying how he couldn’t wait to see me and how I’m everything that he has been missing out on.  It’s hard for me to believe that was him who sent the message since I only saw that side of him for a moment.  Before I knew it, that side of him was gone and he turned in to a heartless bitch to put it nicely. He turned in to another disappointment and another notch on my bedpost.  When will a guy worthy of my love come in to my life? One that is capable of returning the level of love I give. Soon I hope. I can only hope.

Pridefest

Sunday was the last day of the Pittsburgh Pride Festival. I went to it of course. I also went to it last year and plan to go next year. The parade was amazing this year as usual even though I missed like half of it.  PrideFest was great as usual with all of the performers and such.  I was actually approached by a drag queen who recognized me off of myyearbook. It was quite interesting to say the least.  Most of the vendors were giving away a ton of free stuff including condoms and lube.  Somehow I managed to nab 220 condoms and 48 packets of lube.  Between all of my friends we scored 400 condoms and 120 packets of lube. It was crazy. I definitely won’t need condoms for years.  I feel as if I need to use all of these condoms before they expire. I guess this definitely means I need to get a boyfriend soon. In other news I’m looking for a job as usual.  I went asking around today and filled out a few applications and I plan on going again tomorrow and hitting the other side of town. My goal is to have a job by the end of the month. Hopefully I can actually manage that.  This would help me save a great deal of money and also make a nice chunk of change.  I guess we will see how this goes.

It’s Officially Official

I’m officially a high school graduate! The entire ceremony took all day. It all seemed sort of like a dream. Almost as if it really wasn’t happening. I really don’t feel all that much different honestly. It’s rather exciting of course but I’m just bored more now really.  My next step is to try and find a job. I’ve been trying the past few weeks but I haven’t really applied many places. I’m sure something will pop up soon enough though. My graduation party is coming up this Saturday and I’m rather excited for that. I’m very curious to see how much money I get. Sadly, I’m expecting to get little to nothing. My family is a bunch of poor cheapskates.  It’ll all work out though. It always does. That’s all for now. Until next time!

Scuba Diving and such

I finally went scuba diving with my Aunt yesterday for the first time since I’ve became certified back in October.  It was quite awesome to say the least.  This pond had a bunch of random things like a platform suspended about 10 feet down, a boat, a motorcycle and a lawnmower. After we were done we dropped our equipment off at the shore and jumped back in the pond to swim around. We were wearing 7mm suits because the water was quite cold and without all of the heavy equipment you can float very easily.   It was funny because if your feet started to float out in front of you, it would almost flip you over when they popped up out of the water without your control.  In other news, I’m graduating high school tomorrow! Today I need to go pick up a nice button up shirt, tie, and some nice pants.  I believe I may buy a pair of shoes too or just borrow a pair of my uncles.  I’ve never really worn anything like this but I’m excited to see how spiffy I look. That’s all I have to update today. Until next time! :]

It’s hard to believe

I’m having a hard time believing I will be graduating in 2 days. It’s amazing feeling and yet it kind of scares me. This is it! It’s over! It’s hard to believe all of those years are already behind me. Not to mention I’m graduating a year early. In other good news, I’ll be attending Clarion University in the fall. I’m pretty excited about that also. This is all just huge to me. It’s another huge step and I believe I’m ready for it.

Leave it in the Past

I’ve been sitting here reading through all of my posts that I’ve written on wordpress in the past almost 2 years that I have been writing on here.  I’m kinda sad that I didn’t write more then I did at the time. I wanted to see a little more in to my past to know exactly how I was feeling and why. It makes me sad to see how depressed and lonely I have been the past 2 years despite going through a lot of “potentials” and relationships.   Shame on every last guy who has made feel inferior or not good enough.  It just pains me to remember all of these emotions I had racing through my veins like fire. I’m a hopeless romantic.  I have a big heart and equally big dreams.  Despite everything I always say, I’m more than capable of loving again.  I know deep down that it isn’t something I can control and I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just a naturally loving person. Now all I need is the boy that is worth my love and can even attempt to match it. I know he’s out there somewhere. I’ll be waiting.

A New Beginning

Last night was by far the most fun I have had in a long time.  I went to see a show with my friends Mara and Becky. There was some local band, Stereos, Blood on the Dance Floor, Jeffree Star and BrokenCYDE all there. It was quite an awesome show.  I ended up catching a drumstick from the band Blood on the Dance Floor. I don’t even really like their band all that much but I was extremely excited that I actually caught something. My friends and I were up on this platform on the dance floor that had a seating area and this pole off to one side. I don’t believe it was made for dancing on but that’s exactly what we did.  The entire night we just danced up on each other and this pole. It was pretty amazing actually. I also ended up running in to an old friend I haven’t seen in a very long time. It was nice catching up with him for a little bit. The big news of the night consisted of me spotting this guy towards the center of the crowd that kept looking at me.  Eventually it led to smiles, grins and flirting from a distance.  He was so cute and I definitely went with it.  I’ve never actually approached a guy before until that night. After the show was over, I walked up to him and talked to him. I even surprised myself by getting his number.  This is definitely a new beginning for me and exactly what I needed right now after all that has been happening. I guess we will see what happens with this one. To a new beginning! *raises glass*

Life Update

I figured it was time for another update on my life. I have some good news! I got my SAT scores recently and I scored a 1550.  It’s not the best score but I’m quite satisfied with it. I walked in to the test with the flu and feeling quite literally like shit. I was surprised I got that good of a score. What I don’t get is how I got my highest score in math. I seriously thought I bombed that part. I guess now all I really have to do is wait until I find out what colleges I get in to. Then go from there I suppose.  In other news my social life is pretty much the same. My love life is still in the gutter as always. I did meet someone new tonight though. We’ve been talking for a while and he seems kind of interesting.  I don’t know what to expect from him honestly. I guess in all honestly I expect him to be just like every other guy. I know I shouldn’t think that way but I do. I don’t even know if I should expect anything to come from it besides just making another friend. I’m afraid to care about someone again.  Maybe this will make me takes thing slower and actually do something right for once. I guess we will see. Until next time.