Why do I try?

Its all called off. Its not going to work. I knew it would be like this and yet I tried anyways. I don’t know why I do this to myself or why I even try. It ended quickly as it started. If there was anything there to begin with. There are no such things as fairy tale endings. With all good things, they must come to an end.

Leaping

Again, I’m just so mixed.  I don’t know what to do. I have to make a big decision, well at least a big decision for me. He likes me.  He likes being with me.  He’s not sure what he feels, but he likes it.  I feel the same way. I’m just confused about all of it.  He’s moving to college fairly soon.  It’s not terribly far away, but far enough.  I feel like I’d be somehow holding him back if we were to actually make things official beforehand.  He doesn’t know what’s going to happen and that’s what scares me the most. The uncertainity of it all.  He said if he’s with me, that’s all that matters, just me.  You have no idea how warm that made me feel inside.  When we were laying there, that’s when I was thinking about bringing all of this up.  It started to upset me and I eventually started tearing up because I was just so torn inside.  Do I take the leap and take things day by day as things get better and better and hope things work out for the best and be hurt if they don’t, or do I just end it now, stop what’s happening and prevent that risk from happening? It’s just so confusing.  As I started tearing up over this he noticed I was upset.  He kept asking me what was wrong, kept stroking my face.  Little did he know at the time that it was him, he was the one causing the tears.  I felt so bad, I hate crying in front of people, especially ones I care about.  I eventually broke down and we talked about it all.  Turns out, he’s just as confused as I am about the entire situation.  Neither one of us expected any of this to happen, expected any of these feelings emerge about each other. I like it, I like it a lot. I don’t want it to end anytime soon.  For once I’m taking the risk.  I never take risks like this, I insist on having security before I make decisions.  Not this time.  Maybe that was my problem with other relationships.  I didn’t take the risks. I didn’t fully put myself out there. I always shielded myself in some way in order to prevent being hurt. That’s done.  I like him, I want to get to know him more. I want to be with him.  If he’s willing, then I’m willing. I’m taking that leap.

Curveball

I’m currently sitting here with a guy by the name of Nathan. We met at a coffee shop back in the day and I never thought things would be like they are now. He was the last person I expected to take a remote interest in me. I just had way too much going on with other ex’s and a few people who like me and want to be with me but like usual, I don’t really want to be with them. This all started as a random hookup and it just kinda seems like its a bit more then that now. We aren’t dating or anything and I don’t really expect to. I’m just going to enjoy it while I can and hope everything goes well. That’s all I can do.

Emotional Frustration

I have so many emotions running through me this weekend and yet I feel oddly at peace with myself and the world.  I feel as if everything will be okay, things are actually going to work out for the better this time.  I went to see Bruno on friday and ran in to my ex.  It just took one look to make all the feelings I had for him rush back and overwhelm me.  I didn’t know what to do.  Later that night my other friend came over and we taked for about 6 hours straight.  It was pretty amazing.  There aren’t many people that I’ve been able to stay up with all night talking to like that, especially another guy.  It’s rather bittersweet.  I love it and yet I hate it at the same time.  I don’t get why it’s always the ones I feel like I click with the best are the ones that I just can’t have.  It really sucks.  So that’s my current emotional frustration,  I’m sure more is to come this following week.

Wow Update

I haven’t blogged in FOREVER.  I’ve been so busy at times and really haven’t had time.  I moved back home, well to my uncles that is.  It’s nice, I can’t complain too much.  I’m away from my grandparents so that’s always a plus.  Sadly I’m losing my license at the end of july.  It really sucks.  That’s what I get for speeding I suppose.  Everything is gonna work out though.  I’m going to Florida with my uncle and peeps next month.  Then to Disney world with my friends in august/september.  That should help pass the 90 day suspension I have to endure.  I’m not sure what else to post for now, I’ll make sure to update soon :D

Wootness

I passed my drivers test! And then I went and bought my first car.  It’s ridiculous the amount of papers you have to sign.  Between the license, insurance and actually buying the car.  In the next 2 weeks I’m getting my permanent license, my real insurance cards, my registration and my title to my car.  Soooo many things, so little time.   I still have a shit ton of schoolwork to do, but I’m managing.  I ended up buying a 2005 Chevrolet Malibu.  I absolutely love it of course.  I think I bought a really good car.  Well that’s really it for now.  Let’s hope I get my schoolwork done in time.  I think I will though.  I’ll keep you posted.

License

Sorry I haven’t posted like…anything in a long time.  Well this Wednesday I’m going to be taking my drivers test :D  I’m soooo hoping I pass. If I do then I’m totally going to go buy my car.  Assuming it’s still there at the dealer I’m getting a 2005 Chevrolet Malibu. :D I can’t wait. haha  If I do pass I’ll make sure to post again after and update everyone.  Wish me luck!

Just Life

So I really haven’t blogged in the past 2 weeks or so.  Well that’s mainly because I didn’t have internet and I moved.  So now I’m back and ready to report on my life again.  I ended up getting a boyfriend which happened to be my best friends brother.  That didn’t go over well.  I didn’t like him as much as I thought I did.  I then find another guy at the mall and so far he seems freaking amazing.  I can’t even describe it.  I can definitely say this is the first guy I’ve honestly had feelings for since my last ex over 6 months ago.  I hope things keep going well.

It’s Official

I’m going to be moving in with one of my best friends this Wednesday.  I’m nervous, and honestly, a bit scared.  I know in the end, this will probably be the best decision I’ve made in my life.  I can’t help but feel selfish though.  Like I’m leaving everyone behind that needs me and doing something for myself and only myself.  That I’m somehow letting them down.  I’ve always been here, most hardly talked to me.  I guess it would be a good case of, you never know the worth of the water until the well goes dry.  For the people who still talk to me often, and I consider a friend, yes of course I’ll come back and visit as often as possible.  Everyone else, it doesn’t matter.  I need to get away from drama, not cause more, and somehow get stuck in more.  So I’ll probably update again after the move. :]

Prospect: Moving

So my friend’s roommate decided to bail and leave him with the apartment they shared.  So he needed a new roommate.  I thought, well I’d love to get out of this shithole I live in now.  I got my grandparents approval and now I may be moving.  That and I may be switching from Verizon to AT&T. Which is the least of my problems right now.  Except for maybe getting a new number and having to distribute it to everyone all over again.  That should be fun. Not.  Well this is it for now.  This is what I’ve been wishing for, for the past few months. I’ve been wanting to get away from this area for a while and the opportunity has presented itself.  I’ll keep posting as things go along.