Leaping

Again, I’m just so mixed.  I don’t know what to do. I have to make a big decision, well at least a big decision for me. He likes me.  He likes being with me.  He’s not sure what he feels, but he likes it.  I feel the same way. I’m just confused about all of it.  He’s moving to college fairly soon.  It’s not terribly far away, but far enough.  I feel like I’d be somehow holding him back if we were to actually make things official beforehand.  He doesn’t know what’s going to happen and that’s what scares me the most. The uncertainity of it all.  He said if he’s with me, that’s all that matters, just me.  You have no idea how warm that made me feel inside.  When we were laying there, that’s when I was thinking about bringing all of this up.  It started to upset me and I eventually started tearing up because I was just so torn inside.  Do I take the leap and take things day by day as things get better and better and hope things work out for the best and be hurt if they don’t, or do I just end it now, stop what’s happening and prevent that risk from happening? It’s just so confusing.  As I started tearing up over this he noticed I was upset.  He kept asking me what was wrong, kept stroking my face.  Little did he know at the time that it was him, he was the one causing the tears.  I felt so bad, I hate crying in front of people, especially ones I care about.  I eventually broke down and we talked about it all.  Turns out, he’s just as confused as I am about the entire situation.  Neither one of us expected any of this to happen, expected any of these feelings emerge about each other. I like it, I like it a lot. I don’t want it to end anytime soon.  For once I’m taking the risk.  I never take risks like this, I insist on having security before I make decisions.  Not this time.  Maybe that was my problem with other relationships.  I didn’t take the risks. I didn’t fully put myself out there. I always shielded myself in some way in order to prevent being hurt. That’s done.  I like him, I want to get to know him more. I want to be with him.  If he’s willing, then I’m willing. I’m taking that leap.

~ by dreamchrisdream on July 14, 2009.